The Setting
It has been a dreadful day, he thought to himself. Going to institutions has always made him nervous- even if that be constituted of two people- a group of friends who decide to come up with a plan to put up posters. Why is it so difficult to get something done?
With a frowning forehead, he ripped off posters from his walls. Screw you! Literature and the theories. Oh yes, now you would say, Kafka had foreseen the various gates, visible/non -visible in bureaucracy. And there's that peach background poster with Duras grinning in pain, "Too early in life I was too late."
Why was I born late? I mean not physically, but in the world? Or have I been always late? In providing documents and getting them signed on time just to get my bizarre looking No Objection Certificate.. But in this one bedroom kitchen house where I clean my own shit, cook my own food and pass on a narcissistic smile to clean looking faucets and aesthetically appeasing gourmet cooking, Do I go and cry out in frustration in my bathroom? May be bathroom is the new outside of my inside. Well, that's what everyone does. Crying alone, laughing together.
He turns on the geyser and goes out to make some cold coffee. We don't know if he cried inside the bathroom. He likes to make cold coffee in five minutes, then gulping it down in five minutes. The next is taking off his clothes and arranging them neatly in the laundry basket. Then rushing to the clothesline and getting towels ready for shower. Ah, and it's twenty minutes- hot water is ready. He likes utilizing the exact twenty minutes in making the coffee and preparing for the shower. I guess only he knows about this perfect arrangement with his geyser and the coffee. Sometimes, he takes about seven minutes to gulp down his coffee- he had heard on one of the TV shows that it is important to enjoy every sip of your coffee, life is short, enjoy every moment, watch out for your breath, take it slow, take it easy. And then you will have no stress."Just the coffee? well I could do that." He made it into a ritual- being conscious of the formation of this habit. Sip it and 'be grateful' to life.
It's not like I go around sticking posters like- "Life is short, be happy. Happiness depends on you and not on others." Screw you, optimists! Heiddeger today. No, for sure Althusser. I should go on to speak and write about institutions and interpellations. Gone are the days when only "Hey you" meant my being, now even not calling someone means that the person is called. I am so interpellated that I feel I am being called even when I am not. So definitely Althusser.
It feels great when hot water falls on your back, especially when you are squatting in an awkward way. That way, the water falls on your back and then drizzles away to your bums. It's a great feeling. Thank god people no longer bathe with each other, otherwise it would have been difficult to squat like this. He thought about it while making a quick glance at the closed bathroom glass door.
The water from his body shouldn't drip anywhere else, cleaning the house again is tedious. Sometimes it gets to me. This organized stuff. And the organization itself. But it's definitely much better than multiple organizations running around together in a house- parents, spouse, children and then different ways of living. The plastic bottle should not be kept on the left side of the fridge. Oh who gets so fussy? Apparently his friend's wife does.There is a whole theory behind her logic. Talk about theories. Arrgh. It's not for nothing that living alone in a private apartment is glorified. Blame it or Credit it on the French. They always come up with cool ideas- creating those nunneries for reaching out to god, everything is self- the conversation with the self and a dialogue with a god. Heaven is not too far away. And it's much closer nowadays because you can live alone, have multiple dialogues on phone, come back to solitude and reach salvation. Nothing is inhibited. Nothing is barred.
Should I call her? May be not. She'll be really put off by my conversation regarding how I hated the office today. I can't expect her to listen to my nonsense or even sad stories. Love is not the space for frustrations. Also, it has been only about six months with her. May be she's not ready yet. We have to cross that stage where I could propose an arrangement that she should come to see me every weekend. And chuck her engagements at the meetings, I mean I know I bluffed about possessiveness. But I do feel possessive, it'll however be too lame to disclose it to her. She's probably going to hate it and not see me again. In fact, last time I wanted to lie in her lap and ask her to stroke my hair. But right before that, we had a glass of beer and we discussed about Oedipus. We definitely moved out of Sophocles to contemporary times but this urge. Oh man. I think there must be something, like you know being mothered, don't women feel that? Being lifted up in the arms and put to bed. Just being loved like a child- being so vulnerable.
I shouldn't probably think about it, it's a bad urge. Making women into these objects of desire who would feed me and all that. I am definitely out of it, at least enlightened about that- I am pissed at the thought of being patriarchal. I really want to give her, her own space. And get out of these constructs of partners. Who should do what.
So definitely not her. May be I should 'reach out' to someone. I could look up an old friend and call him/her up. My handwriting in the diary is not so bad. I don't know why I have kept this diary for recording numbers and addresses. People call me old school. What is this old school and new school about. So a friend told me, if a guy holds the door open for his lady, it's old school. I am contrasting it not with a guy who does not hold the door, but rather takes the lady to a mall where either the doors are sensory and open themselves or a guard holds it for both of them. I mean come on, it's not like people don't care in the new school. They care in a different way. I got her a foot massager so that she can come back from the office and feel relaxed. I care about her feet. Sometimes, she would scratch it on mine and wink, I like it a lot. I want to do that to her, but restrict myself because I do not want to come across as being aggressive. I really want to give her some space and protection from that masculine aggressive world out there.
This one? No, he's an MBA. Definitely not him. He would not understand my pain, he probably does not even care for these documents. He would give me numbers and emails of others who would take some money and get things done for me. Ten years back, we did not have 'document management' like 'event management'. But this some money is going to be so much. And that, "Hey buddy, let's meet up over a glass of beer, I will tell you stories about my family vacations in Bali." Aaargghh. Who does that? That reminds me, I must save some money to be able to go that conference and write an abstract for it.
Ummmm, may be this one. He is in the bank. Perhaps he knows what it means to watch institutions. But he can only give me solace. I don't want that. He's always been so boring and repetitive. This one? No. He's in the Army, I know what his response is going to be like, even after ten years- "Suck it up dude! You still cannot give back shit to people who give you shit? Listen, the world is not nice and you have to fight. But you have to have your dignity."
May be him, he will understand my pain because he too chose this world of books and writing. He knows what it means to live in this banal world. It's been long though, I don't know what he's upto. May be I could google him.
The Find
It is exceptional that I have found him, he knows exactly what I am going through. And being from the same gender, it's not necessary all the time to fake things. Talk about these categories, gender and all. And it's been a month with him and I absolutely love it. Sometimes, we talk about the academia, sometimes about the violent outside and then sometimes about how life is going to end. In fact, in the week that I met him, I forgot that I had so much trouble regarding the certificate.
Making himself a tea, he told me, I am so glad you called that evening. In fact, I was going to tell you that these places suck. Look at my own life, I mean half of it is spent in trying to make a fucking pan card. And then half of my life trying to figure out how to pay the taxes. I mean what the fuck is this! He said this, neatly dipping the tea bag in a rhythmic pattern then without a 'cruck' noise, he softly lifted the flap of trash can and threw away the tea bag. I like that about him, respecting my space. I guess he knows what it means to live alone in a place and make your own life neat. Whenever I go to his place, it is absolutely great- lined up cans, neatly folded bedsheets. He tells me, I have to make a little more money to get the maids and househelp but otherwise life's great! It's brilliant when I have my space to read. I always wanted that. Think about Nietzsche, do you think he could have written so much without those solitary walks for hours? No. And that language guy, ah I forget. wait, it'll come to me....Oh, the one who wrote about language games.. Russell's student..Yes! Wittegenstein. I mean solitude is underrated, especially for people like us. And that's why I understand you.
Long ago in college, I had started admiring his ways. He was never up an about protests and marches. And was quiet in his own way, was charming though. One day, a friend of mine dating this girl went to him for some relationship advice. He was stunned when my friend said I don't know I think she wants to marry me, but I am just not ready.. I don't know what to do. He looked at him and lifting his packet full of cigarettes and smirked, "run my friend, run. You don't want to be caught up in these routines. Life is full of wonderful opportunities. She's probably going to ditch you if you tell her this. But hey, life is much more than that." I don't know what happened with my friend after that. He definitely loved her but was not sure about himself. Those days, we had started this search of the self. It continues even now. And then this lacan, freud. juxtaposing other/self etc. So the other was this lady who wanted to get married. Ah. Isn't that sorted enough that categories are so concrete. There were never others, just other. Anything different, just push it under the 'other'.
And talk about people. they call us complex. booh.
That day, he just decided to come over my place for a beer when I just wanted to rant. It is brilliant that he's had most of the experiences and he can advise over anything. Like, hey I get this tired feeling, and he's like oh, probably you're out of b12. go and grab some. It's like this problem solver. And he never asks too much. One time, he looked at the poem she'd written and he's like, oh you guys have just started, right? I mean enjoy, it's not going to last very long. Everyone gets this honeymoon phase. But the best part is, if you are not committed, you can get it all the time and it does not hurt anyone. I mean come on, she's a woman so she doesn't have desires? She would. And it's great you respect that.
The Loss
It's much worse to lose a friend than a lover. You are never too close, yet never too far. I don't know what happened to him. But we drifted apart, I hate saying it this way- it's so neoliberal kind of a thing. But may be not. Anyway, I think it has been great being with him for whatsoever time. I could sense it coming, but thought may be we are two mature beings so it wouldn't go that bad. I mean it's not like we fought and cut each other off.. but it's much worse. He's cut me off and ignores my messages and calls.
I think it started that evening. We were lying down on the bed, high and drunk, and I said, I was never sure about life, I mean I did not know it would turn this way.
He looked at my eyes, and as if, asking for some sadness, he asked, what way?
But I did not have sadness. So I told him, the certificate has been issued, the abstract has been accepted but above all, something beautiful has happened.. I think she...
Oh please, don't get hopeful for god's sake! He didn't let me complete. He smirked and said, you'll see a different problem with the certificate, just wait for some time. And that abstract, I mean who goes to these narcissistic conferences.. worst, please for heaven's sake, do not fall in love. It's going to change you and drag you to that mundane everyday. One day I will see you saving up for all the EMIs you'll have to pay for. Those parasitic children , they'll leave you or demand IPADs. Can't you see what this capitalistic world is dragging us into?
I sat up and decided to calm him down. May be he's feeling a bit possessive. That these evenings, these night outs without a care would stop. I told him, listen, you don't have to react like that. You meet her, she's a great woman. I mean right now, it's only like we have decided to be in the same city and then we don't know if things are going to go further. I mean she has her life. It's never going to be that conventional. Do I look like that kind of a person? I mean she's decided to say no to a job she's got as a reporter in Syria, I am not sure if she really wanted it in the first place. But I had tried to listen to her excitement about the job and I couldn't. But I had to be this nice man and just take it in. But I really wanted her to stay. So it's nice she did it on her own.
There you go. You're falling in love, she's quit something for you and now you'll feel guilty. Or she'll make you feel guilty. And then, who will take care of who drama. Trust me, I know where this is going. She'll gradually move in and then the clothes in place, sorry, her place. She'll assign everything. Women are like that.
But not all women, eh?
All women. I tell you. And then men, I don't know what happens to them.
How can you judge all? She's just not like that.
Well, I have got to leave. Call me up whenever it doesn't work out with her. Or if things go wrong. right now, you're too happy to talk to me.
***
It's been quite some time. I haven't been able to call him over some sadness. Happiness, yes, I missed him.. But he doesn't respond to those calls. May be I guess I'll wait.
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